Sunday, April 11, 2010

Another year has come. Oh how I miss this boy!!


 I can't believe his birthday has come again.
I can't believe that he would have been four.
I wonder what he would have wanted for his birthday this year.
What his favorite movie would be, his favorite food, his favorite sport,
his favorite book.
What/who he would have looked like!
The thought of all that I feel I am missing makes my heart ache.
I have been told by some people that it gets easier after a  year, but it's been 3 1/2 years since we
said good bye to our baby Logan and it feels the same as it did the day he passed away in my arms.
I want to do so many things with this precious little boy
I want to give him a bath again, change his diaper, look into his beautiful pure blue eyes.
I want to hold him in my rocking chair, sing the song  "If you could hie to kolob".
(that is the song I would always sing to him even before I knew he had a heart problem.  It's my favorite)
I want to hear him cry, I want to see him smile, I want to hear him laugh.
I want to see his face light up when he sees Kesley.
I want to lay in bed with him in the morning, I want to see Cory hold him again.
I want to watch him grow.
The thing that makes me sad is when I get asked by Kesley if Logan's coming back soon.
She asked me if he is going to be a baby when he comes back or if he is going to be big.
(not too bad of a question from a 6 year old huh?! )
  I wish I knew how it all is going to work out. 
All I know is I want to be with him again.
He truly is the goal I want to reach.

I honestly feel that I have dealt with Logan's death really well, which makes me
kind of scared that heavenly father is going to give me a harder trial!
don't get me wrong, I still have those hard days, but I have always been 
willing to talk about it with anyone who wants to know.
I love to share the gospel. I promised Heavenly Father before I came to this earth
that I would take this trial in my life. Had I known the earthly pain I would endure, 
I probably would have said no.  I do joke about this at times saying that Heavenly
 Father said is this trial alright with you Shanna, and I was too busy chatting with my
sisters in the back and didn't hear a word he had said
but  happily replied YES I would love too!  :)  ( wink, wink)
I know that I just need to keep moving forward, try the best I can to live a honest good life.
Put my faith in the lord and thank him everyday for choosing me to be a mother of such a celestial child.
mothers that have lost children have written me and asked me for some advise
I still say to these mothers who long for their little ones to remember how lucky they are.
It's easier said than done and everyone grieves in different ways.
I know that when ever I am having a bad day I just pray, I find so much comfort through my prayers.
I have had so many spiritual experiences that maybe one day I will share,
 but for now I am going to hold them sacred.

Every year on Logan's birthday and on his anniversary of his death
Cory and I go to the Temple.  We want to be as close as we can to our perfect boy!
There is no place I would rather be on his special day.

This poem was written by my mom
It was read at his funeral and it means everything to me.

Oh little child of ours
You came with such great light
We had only to look into your eyes
To know your depth of sight

You struggled from the very start
Each breath of life a strain
Those who loved and cared for you
Could sense your constant pain

But through it all your smile so bright
Warmed each heart close by
You had a spiritual aura
This, no one can deny

The doctors tried to mend your heart
We prayed this might be done
Your name upon the alter- perhaps
A miracle would come

A second operation
You endured another trial
We could feel your body fighting
Always with a smile

The nighttime was the hardest
As you tossed in restless sleep
Peace and comfort failed to come
And tears we all did weep

We loved you more each passing day
We wanted you to grow
And learn about the many things
We wanted you to know

When our family got together
A special love you’d share
There was always something about you
That made us happy you were there

Kesley, we could surely tell
Was the one you did adore
The closeness made us always feel
You’d known each other before

Your mother served you night and day
With a selflessness so rare
And your father, always close at hand
Had Priesthood strength to share

When the second operation failed
And a third was yet to come
Prayers offered to our Father
Finally said, “Thy will be done”

This took such great faith, Logan
For our arms ached so for you
We didn’t want to let you go
We had so much for you to do

Then a miracle did come to us
It was not the one we’d hoped
But the spirit came into our lives
And helped us all to cope

It gave us understanding Logan
That your mission was not here
It’s with others waiting for your love
In a holier sphere

They say that when a home is touched
By an Angel who lovingly came
Those who knew and loved him
Will never be the same

We send you to the arms of God
And we’ll thank Him everyday
That you were born to our family
If just for a very short stay

How glorious the gospel
How righteously we’ll trod
Our prayer is to reside with you
As you are a choice son of God

I am so grateful for this earthly experience and for what it has taught me.
It's funny, cause even though Logan is gone I still learn from him.
I am so happy that I know about the plan of salvation.
I am so happy to know that we are a family forever.
We love our Logan and can't wait to see him again!

Happy Birthday Logan!!


renee' said...

Wow Shanna, thanks for sharing your strength and testimony, it is so powerful, touching and moving. You make me want to do more and be better. I was again touched by your sweet love and precious words about your little Logan. He is so perfect and I can only imagine how sweet the reunion with him will be for all of your family. Hugs to all of you!

Ildy said...

I loved reading about this. You are so strong. I love your sense of humor as well. Right when tears come I read about what you said your answer to Father would have been had you known what would happen in mortality. I can't help but smile.
I miss talking to you.

Ildy Cline

Katie said...

Oh Shan,
This was so tender. I am seriously bawling right now. I am so lucky to know you. thank you so much for sharing your testimony with me. I have grown so much from it. you are amazing. Logan is sure lucky to have you as his mother.

Love you lady!

BTW love love love the pictures of the model below. I am in awe.

Mrs. Lyndsee said...

You always make me tear up. You are such a Christ-Like person and mother. I am speechless with what a strong person you are. You are so beautiful inside and out. Happy Birthday Angel Boy. Love you best friend.

Stephanie Ewell said...

Just came across your blog...the second time actually- I check back because I am a big fan of your pictures- you are so talented. But, your little beautiful Logan and his story and your family just touch my heart. I cried the first time I read about your story, and I cried just now reading the poem written by your mom. The Gospel is truly a gift. I lost my dad to a heart problem 3 years ago- too soon. But we do learn so much and grow so much...I just wanted to say I admire your strength and wanted to say thank you for your beautiful posts.

Katte said...

I just read the poem your mom wrote and I can't keep the tears from coming. I don't know how you do it, but you are amazing that you can still carry on after losing such a precious little one.