Monday, December 29, 2008

Remembering Logan!

His newborn picture!
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8 months old..  these photos below were taken 6 days before he died :(
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Today is the 2nd anniversary of my little angels death. I have had many clients and people in general ask me a little bit about his death,what happened prior and what happened after. Now that it has been two years i feel more comfortable sharing more with all my blog readers about my angels life! Sorry if there were any mistakes when I was typing this. I was just typing everything that came to my head super fast!

Logan was born April 11th, 2006 weighing 5lbs and 15 oz and 18 inches long . When he was born he seemed a little pale and wouldn't pink up and so the doctors thought he probably had immature lungs, yet he was full term (only 3 days early). He was admitted right away to the NICU and was held there for 4 days. They did all sorts of testing. They did and echo-cardiogram that came back negative. After that miserable stay in the NICU I went home feeling like the luckiest girl because my little baby didn't need to be there longer than some of the other babies! About two months into his life my sister Kara (a nurse) asked me if I thought his coloring was a little off. I was offened because I am his mom, and I should have noticed it first. I told her he just had a lighter skin tone. We went on and when he was about 4 months Cory and I decided to take a family trip to Jackson Hole Wyoming to go see his parents. while we were up there Logan did not smile once, he was not himself and his fingers and lips were constantly discolored. His sleeping patterns were off and he would do really weird patterns of breathing in his sleep. I brought this to Cory's attention and told him that we should get home and find out what was wrong. Traveling home with Logan he began to pink up a bit and was smiling. I feel so bad thinking that he couldn't breath up there in Jackson Hole because the elevation level is so high. We got him home and he seemed a little happier. I told my dad (a surgeon) the situation and he told me that it sounds like he may have a heart problem. I didn't waste anytime by running him to the hospital where he was admitted over night for testing. The hardest thing was watching my four month old look at me crying because the doctors and nurses where holding him down for testing and putting IV's in his head and arms. I remember him having this look on his face like mom what is going on. He got so mad he started to turn blue his saturation's were in the 20's when they should be over 90. The doctors pushed me away when I was coming closer to him to calm him down. I told them he had done this once before and I got him to calm down by nursing him. They just continued to do there thing and the next thing I knew the ambulance was there ready to take him up to Primary Children's hospital. Up there at Primary Children's it was so hard. The doctors were a little different than they are in Utah county. none of the doctors up there would tell us what was going on. I was crying because my baby disappeared from me the moment we got there. finally Doctor Frank came up to me and told me that Logan had a heart problem. He had what is called Tetralogy of fallot, a total pulmonary artery venus return, a VSD, or easier known as a hole in the heart. She said that it was amazing that he had lived this long and that they have never seen this combination in one heart. They call him the miracle baby. they also referred to him as our special child!! It was so hard to hear that my baby has to have surgery. My first question to the Doctor was, is he going to die? She said, we are going to do all that we can to make him better. I just wanted an answer that stated "YES" he is going to be fine!!. Cory and I were finally able to see him when they got him settled in the PICU. He was sedated because they had just done an echo cardiogram on him. When he woke up he had all these wires around his chest and so it made it hard to pick him up and hold him. The Surgeon (Dr. Kouretas) came in and talked to us prepping us for what was going to take place. They prepped him that night and at 7:00 a.m. on August 10th, 2006 Logan went in for his 8 1/2 hour surgery. We were able to walk with him down the hall as he was laying on the hospital bed. As we walked by his side all I can remember is the way he looked at us. He was calm and relaxed. It was like he was telling us he was going to be okay! When he came out. He looked so pink, so healthy. He was intubated for about 4 days. When he woke up, I couldn't hold him, which was so hard because I haven't held him for so long. after 7 days on the PICU floor we were moved up to recovery floor. He spent about 5 days there. He was so happy. He could breath!. Once we were able to go home we had to continue him on oxygen to help his recovery process. He did great for about 7 weeks until we slowly started to noticed some of his signs coming back. I had lost it at this point thinking why us, why me, why Logan!!! I found myself praying for some kind of miracle. We found ourselves back up at Primary children's with some not so good news. Dr. Etheridge (Logan's Cardiologist) said he had obstruction to the veins which meant that his veins weren't pumping enough blood to the heart because they had filled with scare tissue. His Heart was fine, it was just his veins. I asked her if she thought he would be okay! she said we hope so. Feeling so angry, I didn't want to pray or see anybody. I had completely lost faith. Logan's second surgery was scheduled for October 2nd. It just so happend that General Conference was aired the day before. As we were watching it they mentioned a lot about faith and prayers and how heavenly father hears all our prayers and we may not always agree with his will, but if we pray and ask for comfort he will strengthen us and get us through each trial we face. I thought that was funny that everything I was experiencing they were talking about in general conference. It was just what I needed to hear. Cory and I fasted and prayed not just for Logan to recover, but for us to be able to deal with and understand God's will. When Logan went in for his second surgery it was 6 hours long and what Dr. Kouretas did was open his little veins with a stent hoping that the scar tissue wouldn't develop over it again and cause it to be terminal!!! 13 weeks passed and I felt like everything was great. I never knew what quality of life Logan would have, but I was so happy that heavenly father let him live. On December 14th 2006 we went back to Primary Childrens because once again we noticed some symptoms. At this time we were told that he only had 2 weeks to a month to live. After they performed a heart cath test they said that the Left side of his heart was completly gone and his right side only had a matter of time.
Cory and I were so heartbroken to hear that our little Logan wasn't going to be with us much longer. We tried to understand that his mission was somewhere else. We couldn't understand why Heavenly father would take him from us. I was asking Heavenly father, why? Why do you need Logan? I then literally heard a voice in my head saying "Shanna do you think you can take care of him better and I can?" Of course I didn't think that I could give Logan the care that our father in heaven could. So, whenever I found myself saying why me! I had to pray for peace to know that everything would be alright. Logan was too perfect to be here! I remember saying to Cory when he was born that there was something so different about him. I remember my dad saying "He has such wisdom in his eyes, and that he was wise beyond his years." Looking back on this experience I remember feeling upset, sad and confused. but, I know now that I had to get to the point where I could let Logan go. I couldn't stand to watch him suffer anymore. Every night He would be up like a newborn wanting to eat every hour and a half because he was breathing 80 breaths a minute and was burning a lot of calories. I was so warn out, but I can't even imagine what he felt like. I just think of when I have done a cardio workout and I am breathing so fast, trying to catch my breath. That is probably what he felt like. The Doctors at Primary children's said that He probably felt like an elephant was on his chest. I couldn't bare to see him like that! I remember two nights before Logan passed away He wouldn't let me put him down and I was so tired from being up all night I remember holding him and crying telling heavenly father please to take him. I am ready now to let him go home!!. I kept saying please don't make him suffer anymore. I turned to Cory and said I am really ready to let him go now. It's ironic, because the next day he became so ill that we had to take him to Primary Children's. They intubated him so he wouldn't have to work so hard to breath on his own. The Doctors then told us that he was slowly dying. For 48 hours Logan was intubated until Cory and I felt we could say good bye. We had family members come see him one last time. Kesley loved him so much. when she saw him she obviously didn't understand what was going on,but was smiling and said "hi Logan, I love you"! Logan's eyes suddenly popped open for just a second. It was like he wanted to see her one last time. After saying goodbye to family and Kesley, Cory and I went in a private room where they took all the IV's and tubes out of Logan and put him in my arms. I held him for two and half hours until Cory felt he needed to give him one last blessing and release him into the arms of our father in heaven. He died at 6:43 p.m. His last breath I will never forget. It was like he could see the other side and was so relieved. It was the most wonderful experience I have ever been through. Cory and I had the opportunity to give Logan a bath after he passed away. It felt like the story of Christ when he died and how the apostles gave him a bath and were so respectful of his body. It was amazing! I wrapped him up in a blanket after his bath and continued to hold him until his body began to turn cold. I kept thinking that his spirit was right there next to me watching me hold him. They say that our spirits are around the age of a missionary. It was hard for me to picture Logan being so grown up, but it makes sense now. I have had two dreams of Logan after he passed away and he was a grown man. I remember him smiling at me. I prayed so hard to have heavenly father let me see him to know he was okay and so when I had two dreams of the same man, I knew it was him. Cory and I have grown so much from this experience and I have to say our marriage is better than it has ever been. We love our Logan and can't wait for the day that we can reunite and be a family again!!!! I still struggle with him being gone. I long for him, I can still remember how he smelled and how he felt when I held him. He is the goal I want to reach. If I had to do it again I would. We love you Logan.

A huge thank you to Dr. Ryan Wilcox Logans peditrition, Dr Susan Etheridge (cardiologist) and Dr. Peter Kouretas (cardiothoracic surgeon) for all they did. I can barley say any of their names with out crying because they did so much for our Logan. keeping him comfotable and giving their attention to our needs when needed! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I miss you all!!

Some of these pictures were done with the camera phone so they might be kind of hard to see!

Logan at birth in the NICU!
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We brought him home on Easter Sunday which was the 15th. it was only appropriate to put bunny ears on him!
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his blessing. Notice his pale skin and slightly blue lips!
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hanging out at home before we knew he had a problem. Look how happy he was!
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Our very first night at a hospital!
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Logan's first surgery
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5 days after first surgery!
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Kesley came up to see him the day before his second surgery!
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the day before his second surgery
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morning of second surgery! he was so hungry and It was so hard because I couldn't feed him!
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Logan's second surgery!
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Logan loved to go for rides in the wagon around the hospital!
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This was taken the day we were told he was only going to live 2 weeks to a month! pretty cute guy huh! That blanket on my shoulder was his favorite, I wrapped him up in it and he was buried in it! I bought a double to show my kids what it looked like!
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Logan's funeral. Cory, Brandon LeRoy and Joel LeRoy carried the casket!
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When Logan passed away he was 8 months 18 days old and weighed 12lbs 5oz. and 26 inches long! he was just a little guy!
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He is buried up at East Lawn. it is so beautiful there! He is right under a big shady tree!
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33 comments:

keli said...

Thank you for sharing Logan's story. Your faith is inspiring!

The Poer Family said...

Okay Shanna! I already knew most of the story of course and I am crying my eyes out. How could you even type that. Did you cry? You are an AMAZING person. The way you wrote that was GREAT! I just want you to know that I am NOT watching the video. I have seen it once and that is plenty for me. It's too sad. He was a very beautiful little boy. He did have a different look. I agree, almost like he wasn't supposed to be here. His eyes were sparkley blue. Little cutie. Thank you for sharing this again though. I'm sure I have friends on my blog that would LOVE to know about this. I am thinking of you today. I want you to know that I really do love you sis. I wrote on my blog to come check your blog out to read about sweet Logan! Those pictures are a tear jerker by the way, especially the one with all of the tubes and Iv's in him.

Laura said...

That was beautiful. Made me cry again.

Katie said...

OH Shanna.. I love you and I love that sweet baby of yours! you amaze me!

Emily said...

Shanna, what a beautiful story. You had me crying. I cannot even imagine what you have gone through. Thank you for sharing.

Brenna LaPray said...

Logan had such a great impact on so many people in his short life. I have been thinking about you both all day. I miss him. Love you Shanna.

Chanté said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing. I can't even imagine...your faith really is very inspiring.

Megs and Brad said...

That is such a beautiful, sad, inspiring story. I can't even imagine how your faith was tested. You both seem like amazing, strong people. An experience like that will change you forever. Thank you for sharing that with us, I feel like we know your family a little bit more.

Frampton Family said...

Oh Shanna, I have tears streaming down my face. This was so beautifully written. I have been thinking a lot about you this week. And I hope you're doing alright. You are truly an inspiration to me.

Kasey said...

wow. I'm truly thinking of you right now.
k-

andrea said...

Shanna, I am so glad you let us all read about Logan again. I was up at Primary's with cole on the 30th and thought of You and Cory and Logan. All of your late nights and endless days. His sweet little spirit has taught me so much. Thank you for reminding me how precious life is and how truly lucky we all are to be mothers of heavenly fathers children. I love you!

Kristy said...

I don't think you guys understand how much we love you! You guys are so amazing! Thank you so much for sharing that. Logan truly is a little angel sent here for a very special purpose. He is so dang cute! We miss you guys so much and wish that we were there sooo bad! We love you!

Jen said...

Every time I read about Logan it makes me cry. He has the sweetest little face. What a brave little boy and you are one brave mama. I wish I could give you a hug right now, hope you can feel the love through the computer :)

Emma said...

you don't know me, but I stumbled across your blog via blog hopping. your little Logan is beautiful and you can tell he was a perfect baby. your story is truly inspiring I don't know much about your faith, but it makes me want to learn more. Your family and husband are very lucky to have you!

know that you are in my thoughts.

Also you do a great job with photography.

Lisa said...

Shanna, you a an amazing women! I was crying the whole time. You have truly inspired me to be a better mom and not take this short time we have with our kids for granted. Your strength and faith through this trial is unbelievable. You can tell by the pictures how perfect Logan was and what a special boy he really was. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Lisa(Shelton)Bishop

Angela Severe said...

Shanna, you are an amazing women. So sweet and full of faith! Thank you for sharing his story it was very inspirational. Of course I was totally crying. What a sweet baby! I have to say i just love you, Neysa and Brenna I feel very fortunate to get to know you three. You have an amazing family.

The Kemps said...

Oh Shanna! I appreciate you sharing this so much. I am totally bawling. You have such strength and have strengthened my testimony!!!

Zach, Roby, & Baby Carson said...

SO I was blogging today and found your site off Ang Severe page. I absolutely love your photography. You are one amazing woman. Anyways this story of Logas is truely inspirational. You are so strong and your continuing faith is increditable. Thank you for sharing this touching story with everyone.

Ryan & Martha said...

Thank you for sharing your story...I found you through a friend's blog you commented on about their son...you are an inspiration to others. I will hold my baby a lot closer tonight after reading you story. Thanks for the inspiration to be a better mom every day.

Ryan & Martha said...

BTW - my son has the same blanket that your little Logan loved...it is a special blanket :)

Rady Family said...

Shanna, you don't know me, I found your blog through Keli. You're very talented. I can't tell you how this story brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat!! We have a son who was born with Spina bifida and has been to PMCMC a lot! There has been a few times I have wondered if we were going to be able to take him home. My heart aches for you but at the same time the Plan of our Father in Heaven is a wonderful gift and what a blessing to KNOW it!! He looks like the cutest little guy and has such an amazing smile and beautiful blue eyes I know he is watching over you and helping your family! You have such amazing strength and it is through our trials we then see our true strength and the way our Father and Savior show us how that THey really are there, and we gain true knowledge through these experiences! Thank you so much for sharing this and inspiring me to be a better mom!!

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog and had to read the story that accompanied the beautiful photos of your precious son. As a funeral director, I have been around those who have had similar experiences but every family is special and unique. Your Logan meets that criteria more perfectly than I have ever seen. What a special story. Thank You for sharing. My love hopes for Father in Heaven's choicest blessings upon you and your earthly and eternal family.

Amy said...

Shanna,

I stumbled upon your blog when I saw the Mullen family pictures on facebook...this post is beautiful. I bawled my eyes out for at least 10 minutes. Thank you for sharing this most intimate experience, it is so uplifting and faith promoting. I had no idea that you and your family had experiences this. Love to you all...

Amy said...

I admire your strength and testimony. Thanks for sharing!

Rebekah said...

Shanna, the tears are rolling after reading this. I can imagine even 2 years after his death you still think about him and miss him all the time.

He was SUCH a beautiful baby! Uncommonly beautiful! Look at those big eyes of his.

What a wonderful day it will be when your family gets to be with him again:)

God Bless,

Rebekah

Maren said...

I don't know if I have ever told you how much your little man affected me the night we got to spend together at PCMC. I think about him often and all of the lessons that he taught me that night as we rocked. I was a little intimidated when I first learned that I would be caring for him, I was still a new nurse and he was so sick and the fact that I knew you guys put even more pressure on me. Luckily my other patient was doing well and I got to spend nearly all of my 12 hours with Logan. as I snuggled and rocked him I looked at him and he looked right back at me. It was so amazing, it was like he was talking to me with those amazing eyes. ( I have will always remember his eyes and the sparkle in them, I'm glad everyone else has mentioned that too!) As we sat there I found that when he got fussy if we rocked and a sung or hummed primary songs to him he would calm down. Then he would look up at me and it was almost like I could see that he knew I was singing about his Heavenly Father. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life and one that I will never forget.
Thankyou so much for letting me have that time with him!

Memories captured by Shelly said...

Oh Shanna,
Words can't express to you the feelings I feel in my heart right now after reading this experience. Logan truly was an angel. A very Handsome one, and for some reason we don't always understand the way Heavenly Father works.. Thank you for sharing this experience with me.. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear it to remind me to be thankful for each day that I have to spend with the ones that I love. Your courage and bravery truly amazes me. I don't know if I could have been as strong as you.. But I guess like the voice that you heard, "there truly is no greater person to take care of our children then Heavenly Father himself.
Thank you again for sharing this.

Summer said...

Shanna, Oh, how this post hit too close to home for me.....I cried through the whole thing. Thank you for sharing your story and your amazing testimony of faith in our Savior. Logan is a beautiful boy with a spirit so strong that he absolutely shines in his pictures! Our heart babies all came to this earth with many lessons to teach us didn't they?! I feel like our Mason still has many more teach us, but also am praying to know the Lord's will and plan for him.
Thank you for caring to read about our journey w/ Miracle Mason.

Love,
Mason's Mommy

Jenny said...

I don't know why it is so helpful to hear the story. But it was, I too will always remember Logan and your story will forever stay in my heart. Thank you for your beautiful pictures and thank you for your faith in our Heavenly Fathers plan.

The mom of 4 monkeys! said...

He is beautiful... How could a baby that beautiful and perfect be so sick? May God continue to bless your family...

Emily Hartvigsen said...

You had me crying my eyes out! What a strong woman you are! Thank you for sharing your son's story. You are so inspiring and Logan is such a cutie. You don't know me, I came across you blog through a pretty picture I saw on Pinterest. Your photography is so beautiful! :o)

kelly honhart said...

wow, just stumbled across your blog and am 1. balling my eyes out over your story...logan was absolutely beautiful. my husband and i have a 7 month old and I know how deep a mother's love is. you and your husband are so very strong! & 2. your photography is incredible. you are an inspiration!

mr & mrs O. said...

He is just beautiful!! It takes a faithful and strong daughter of God to go through some thing like this. I can't even begin to imagine. Thank you for sharing such a precious experience, as you can read it has touched many people. Xoxo