.: 2008

His newborn picture!

8 months old.. these photos below were taken 6 days before he died :(

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my little angels death. I have had many clients and people in general ask me a little bit about his death,what happened prior and what happened after. Now that it has been two years i feel more comfortable sharing more with all my blog readers about my angels life! Sorry if there were any mistakes when I was typing this. I was just typing everything that came to my head super fast!

Logan was born April 11th, 2006 weighing 5lbs and 15 oz and 18 inches long . When he was born he seemed a little pale and wouldn't pink up and so the doctors thought he probably had immature lungs, yet he was full term (only 3 days early). He was admitted right away to the NICU and was held there for 4 days. They did all sorts of testing. They did and echo-cardiogram that came back negative. After that miserable stay in the NICU I went home feeling like the luckiest girl because my little baby didn't need to be there longer than some of the other babies! About two months into his life my sister Kara (a nurse) asked me if I thought his coloring was a little off. I was offened because I am his mom, and I should have noticed it first. I told her he just had a lighter skin tone. We went on and when he was about 4 months Cory and I decided to take a family trip to Jackson Hole Wyoming to go see his parents. while we were up there Logan did not smile once, he was not himself and his fingers and lips were constantly discolored. His sleeping patterns were off and he would do really weird patterns of breathing in his sleep. I brought this to Cory's attention and told him that we should get home and find out what was wrong. Traveling home with Logan he began to pink up a bit and was smiling. I feel so bad thinking that he couldn't breath up there in Jackson Hole because the elevation level is so high. We got him home and he seemed a little happier. I told my dad (a surgeon) the situation and he told me that it sounds like he may have a heart problem. I didn't waste anytime by running him to the hospital where he was admitted over night for testing. The hardest thing was watching my four month old look at me crying because the doctors and nurses where holding him down for testing and putting IV's in his head and arms. I remember him having this look on his face like mom what is going on. He got so mad he started to turn blue his saturation's were in the 20's when they should be over 90. The doctors pushed me away when I was coming closer to him to calm him down. I told them he had done this once before and I got him to calm down by nursing him. They just continued to do there thing and the next thing I knew the ambulance was there ready to take him up to Primary Children's hospital. Up there at Primary Children's it was so hard. The doctors were a little different than they are in Utah county. none of the doctors up there would tell us what was going on. I was crying because my baby disappeared from me the moment we got there. finally Doctor Frank came up to me and told me that Logan had a heart problem. He had what is called Tetralogy of fallot, a total pulmonary artery venus return, a VSD, or easier known as a hole in the heart. She said that it was amazing that he had lived this long and that they have never seen this combination in one heart. They call him the miracle baby. they also referred to him as our special child!! It was so hard to hear that my baby has to have surgery. My first question to the Doctor was, is he going to die? She said, we are going to do all that we can to make him better. I just wanted an answer that stated "YES" he is going to be fine!!. Cory and I were finally able to see him when they got him settled in the PICU. He was sedated because they had just done an echo cardiogram on him. When he woke up he had all these wires around his chest and so it made it hard to pick him up and hold him. The Surgeon (Dr. Kouretas) came in and talked to us prepping us for what was going to take place. They prepped him that night and at 7:00 a.m. on August 10th, 2006 Logan went in for his 8 1/2 hour surgery. We were able to walk with him down the hall as he was laying on the hospital bed. As we walked by his side all I can remember is the way he looked at us. He was calm and relaxed. It was like he was telling us he was going to be okay! When he came out. He looked so pink, so healthy. He was intubated for about 4 days. When he woke up, I couldn't hold him, which was so hard because I haven't held him for so long. after 7 days on the PICU floor we were moved up to recovery floor. He spent about 5 days there. He was so happy. He could breath!. Once we were able to go home we had to continue him on oxygen to help his recovery process. He did great for about 7 weeks until we slowly started to noticed some of his signs coming back. I had lost it at this point thinking why us, why me, why Logan!!! I found myself praying for some kind of miracle. We found ourselves back up at Primary children's with some not so good news. Dr. Etheridge (Logan's Cardiologist) said he had obstruction to the veins which meant that his veins weren't pumping enough blood to the heart because they had filled with scare tissue. His Heart was fine, it was just his veins. I asked her if she thought he would be okay! she said we hope so. Feeling so angry, I didn't want to pray or see anybody. I had completely lost faith. Logan's second surgery was scheduled for October 2nd. It just so happend that General Conference was aired the day before. As we were watching it they mentioned a lot about faith and prayers and how heavenly father hears all our prayers and we may not always agree with his will, but if we pray and ask for comfort he will strengthen us and get us through each trial we face. I thought that was funny that everything I was experiencing they were talking about in general conference. It was just what I needed to hear. Cory and I fasted and prayed not just for Logan to recover, but for us to be able to deal with and understand God's will. When Logan went in for his second surgery it was 6 hours long and what Dr. Kouretas did was open his little veins with a stent hoping that the scar tissue wouldn't develop over it again and cause it to be terminal!!! 13 weeks passed and I felt like everything was great. I never knew what quality of life Logan would have, but I was so happy that heavenly father let him live. On December 14th 2006 we went back to Primary Childrens because once again we noticed some symptoms. At this time we were told that he only had 2 weeks to a month to live. After they performed a heart cath test they said that the Left side of his heart was completly gone and his right side only had a matter of time.
Cory and I were so heartbroken to hear that our little Logan wasn't going to be with us much longer. We tried to understand that his mission was somewhere else. We couldn't understand why Heavenly father would take him from us. I was asking Heavenly father, why? Why do you need Logan? I then literally heard a voice in my head saying "Shanna do you think you can take care of him better and I can?" Of course I didn't think that I could give Logan the care that our father in heaven could. So, whenever I found myself saying why me! I had to pray for peace to know that everything would be alright. Logan was too perfect to be here! I remember saying to Cory when he was born that there was something so different about him. I remember my dad saying "He has such wisdom in his eyes, and that he was wise beyond his years." Looking back on this experience I remember feeling upset, sad and confused. but, I know now that I had to get to the point where I could let Logan go. I couldn't stand to watch him suffer anymore. Every night He would be up like a newborn wanting to eat every hour and a half because he was breathing 80 breaths a minute and was burning a lot of calories. I was so warn out, but I can't even imagine what he felt like. I just think of when I have done a cardio workout and I am breathing so fast, trying to catch my breath. That is probably what he felt like. The Doctors at Primary children's said that He probably felt like an elephant was on his chest. I couldn't bare to see him like that! I remember two nights before Logan passed away He wouldn't let me put him down and I was so tired from being up all night I remember holding him and crying telling heavenly father please to take him. I am ready now to let him go home!!. I kept saying please don't make him suffer anymore. I turned to Cory and said I am really ready to let him go now. It's ironic, because the next day he became so ill that we had to take him to Primary Children's. They intubated him so he wouldn't have to work so hard to breath on his own. The Doctors then told us that he was slowly dying. For 48 hours Logan was intubated until Cory and I felt we could say good bye. We had family members come see him one last time. Kesley loved him so much. when she saw him she obviously didn't understand what was going on,but was smiling and said "hi Logan, I love you"! Logan's eyes suddenly popped open for just a second. It was like he wanted to see her one last time. After saying goodbye to family and Kesley, Cory and I went in a private room where they took all the IV's and tubes out of Logan and put him in my arms. I held him for two and half hours until Cory felt he needed to give him one last blessing and release him into the arms of our father in heaven. He died at 6:43 p.m. His last breath I will never forget. It was like he could see the other side and was so relieved. It was the most wonderful experience I have ever been through. Cory and I had the opportunity to give Logan a bath after he passed away. It felt like the story of Christ when he died and how the apostles gave him a bath and were so respectful of his body. It was amazing! I wrapped him up in a blanket after his bath and continued to hold him until his body began to turn cold. I kept thinking that his spirit was right there next to me watching me hold him. They say that our spirits are around the age of a missionary. It was hard for me to picture Logan being so grown up, but it makes sense now. I have had two dreams of Logan after he passed away and he was a grown man. I remember him smiling at me. I prayed so hard to have heavenly father let me see him to know he was okay and so when I had two dreams of the same man, I knew it was him. Cory and I have grown so much from this experience and I have to say our marriage is better than it has ever been. We love our Logan and can't wait for the day that we can reunite and be a family again!!!! I still struggle with him being gone. I long for him, I can still remember how he smelled and how he felt when I held him. He is the goal I want to reach. If I had to do it again I would. We love you Logan.

A huge thank you to Dr. Ryan Wilcox Logans peditrition, Dr Susan Etheridge (cardiologist) and Dr. Peter Kouretas (cardiothoracic surgeon) for all they did. I can barley say any of their names with out crying because they did so much for our Logan. keeping him comfotable and giving their attention to our needs when needed! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I miss you all!!

Some of these pictures were done with the camera phone so they might be kind of hard to see!

Logan at birth in the NICU!

We brought him home on Easter Sunday which was the 15th. it was only appropriate to put bunny ears on him!

his blessing. Notice his pale skin and slightly blue lips!

hanging out at home before we knew he had a problem. Look how happy he was!

Our very first night at a hospital!

Logan's first surgery

5 days after first surgery!

Kesley came up to see him the day before his second surgery!

the day before his second surgery

morning of second surgery! he was so hungry and It was so hard because I couldn't feed him!

Logan's second surgery!

Logan loved to go for rides in the wagon around the hospital!

This was taken the day we were told he was only going to live 2 weeks to a month! pretty cute guy huh! That blanket on my shoulder was his favorite, I wrapped him up in it and he was buried in it! I bought a double to show my kids what it looked like!