Another year has come. Oh how I miss this boy!!

 I can't believe his birthday has come again.

I can't believe that he would have been four.

I wonder what he would have wanted for his birthday this year.

What his favorite movie would be, his favorite food, his favorite sport,

his favorite book.

What/who he would have looked like!

The thought of all that I feel I am missing makes my heart ache.

I have been told by some people that it gets easier after a  year, but it's been 3 1/2 years since we

said good bye to our baby Logan and it feels the same as it did the day he passed away in my arms.

I want to do so many things with this precious little boy

I want to give him a bath again, change his diaper, look into his beautiful pure blue eyes.

I want to hold him in my rocking chair, sing the song  "If you could hie to kolob".

(that is the song I would always sing to him even before I knew he had a heart problem.  It's my favorite)

I want to hear him cry, I want to see him smile, I want to hear him laugh.

I want to see his face light up when he sees Kesley.

I want to lay in bed with him in the morning, I want to see Cory hold him again.

I want to watch him grow.

The thing that makes me sad is when I get asked by Kesley if Logan's coming back soon.
She asked me if he is going to be a baby when he comes back or if he is going to be big.

(not too bad of a question from a 6 year old huh?! )

  I wish I knew how it all is going to work out. 

All I know is I want to be with him again.

He truly is the goal I want to reach.

I honestly feel that I have dealt with Logan's death really well, which makes me

kind of scared that heavenly father is going to give me a harder trial!

don't get me wrong, I still have those hard days, but I have always been 

willing to talk about it with anyone who wants to know.

I love to share the gospel. I promised Heavenly Father before I came to this earth

that I would take this trial in my life. Had I known the earthly pain I would endure, 

I probably would have said no.  I do joke about this at times saying that Heavenly

 Father said is this trial alright with you Shanna, and I was too busy chatting with my

sisters in the back and didn't hear a word he had said

but  happily replied YES I would love too!  :)  ( wink, wink)

I know that I just need to keep moving forward, try the best I can to live a honest good life.

Put my faith in the lord and thank him everyday for choosing me to be a mother of such a celestial child.

mothers that have lost children have written me and asked me for some advise

I still say to these mothers who long for their little ones to remember how lucky they are.

It's easier said than done and everyone grieves in different ways.

I know that when ever I am having a bad day I just pray, I find so much comfort through my prayers.

I have had so many spiritual experiences that maybe one day I will share,

 but for now I am going to hold them sacred.

Every year on Logan's birthday and on his anniversary of his death

Cory and I go to the Temple.  We want to be as close as we can to our perfect boy!

There is no place I would rather be on his special day.

This poem was written by my mom

It was read at his funeral and it means everything to me.

Oh little child of ours

You came with such great light

We had only to look into your eyes

To know your depth of sight

You struggled from the very start

Each breath of life a strain

Those who loved and cared for you

Could sense your constant pain

But through it all your smile so bright

Warmed each heart close by

You had a spiritual aura

This, no one can deny

The doctors tried to mend your heart

We prayed this might be done

Your name upon the alter- perhaps

A miracle would come

A second operation

You endured another trial

We could feel your body fighting

Always with a smile

The nighttime was the hardest

As you tossed in restless sleep

Peace and comfort failed to come

And tears we all did weep

We loved you more each passing day

We wanted you to grow

And learn about the many things

We wanted you to know

When our family got together

A special love you’d share

There was always something about you

That made us happy you were there

Kesley, we could surely tell

Was the one you did adore

The closeness made us always feel

You’d known each other before

Your mother served you night and day

With a selflessness so rare

And your father, always close at hand

Had Priesthood strength to share

When the second operation failed

And a third was yet to come

Prayers offered to our Father

Finally said, “Thy will be done”

This took such great faith, Logan

For our arms ached so for you

We didn’t want to let you go

We had so much for you to do

Then a miracle did come to us

It was not the one we’d hoped

But the spirit came into our lives

And helped us all to cope

It gave us understanding Logan

That your mission was not here

It’s with others waiting for your love

In a holier sphere

They say that when a home is touched

By an Angel who lovingly came

Those who knew and loved him

Will never be the same

We send you to the arms of God

And we’ll thank Him everyday

That you were born to our family

If just for a very short stay

How glorious the gospel

How righteously we’ll trod

Our prayer is to reside with you

As you are a choice son of God

I am so grateful for this earthly experience and for what it has taught me.

It's funny, cause even though Logan is gone I still learn from him.

I am so happy that I know about the plan of salvation.
I am so happy to know that we are a family forever.

We love our Logan and can't wait to see him again!

Happy Birthday Logan!!